what kind of friend are you?!

So there’s this huge … something going on at tekanji’s blog. I’m disinclined to call it a discussion because frankly, anytime a major player in a comment thread suggests that women just “tolerate” sexism in gaming, it ceases to be anything even remotely resembling discussion and instead becomes something a little closer to concern trolling. Especially when it’s done under the guise of “love can heal all wounds, but only if you let it,” blah blah shut the fuck up until you know what you’re talking about.

*cough*

Anyway. Since the gist of the thread is about whether a statement has to intend to be sexist in order to actually be sexist, we have the following quote:

Assuming that there were no hard feelings intended from the offender how do you make the offender aware of what he has just said? Who wins when it’s largely a difference of opinion?

“who wins?” That’s your problem right there. This isn’t about winning or losing. This is about you having said something that offends/hurts someone else, and whether you’re going to continue offending/hurting them by arguing about the offense, or whether you’re going to apologise and attempt to make amends. In short, whether you’re going to be hostile or friendly.

Frankly, I don’t think you’re a very good friend at all if you’re going to take the former route. Denise has a good analogy:

Say you’re sitting at a table with several friends. You stretch, and unintentionally hit the person next to you in the face, hard. Is the correct response to berate the person who has been hurt for leaning forward, or is it to apologize and keep greater awareness of your surroundings? Nic’s response has been telling the person who has been hit to stop being so sensistive and continuing on in ignorance. Intent is a part of what matters. Your friend would likely find the anger at being struck easier to let go of once he or she knew it was an accident. BUT that the injury was unintended does not make the injury go away. A failure to apologize and an insisitence that you are in the right when you injure people because you’re not paying attention makes you look like a jackass.

Exactly. Not meaning to do something doesn’t undo the fact that it has been done. I didn’t mean to overdraft my bank account, but that sure as hell doesn’t change the fact that I’m a couple hundred dollars in the hole. I didn’t mean to hurt my friend’s feelings, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is, in fact, hurt. And I can either argue — oh, oops, I mean “have a difference of opinion” with her as to the state of her feelings and the justification thereof. Or I can be a friend, apologise, and kiss and make up.

And that doesn’t just apply to gaming. That’s part of life. Now I know some people just have really huge issues with admitting when they’ve done something wrong — but most of them are toddlers. Adults, allegedly, are responsible individuals capable of taking ownership of their actions and the consequences of those actions, even the unintended ones.

I know it might make you look like an ass to own up to having done something wrong, but trust me, you’ll look like an even bigger ass if you’ve done something wrong and refuse to admit it, and not only refuse to admit it but go so far as to accuse the person who’s been kind enough to inform you that zie’s being intolerant or oversensitive.

Oh, and suggesting that women “tolerate” sexism because “intolerance leads to extremism”? The height of male privilege, unfriend. Or the depth, if you will. Take your pick, since gods know you don’t seem keen on listening to anything anyone else says.